Dear Lord, I’m Alone and Happy

Dear Lord, I have found myself alone and happy. Since I don’t worship and communicate with you through any church, synagogue or temple, I will use this blog as a channel.

Writing has always been a therapy for me. I quit smoking after writing about my never-ending intentions of quitting. When I re-read my journals on how enslaved and dependent I felt on a bunch of dry leaves it made me disgusted and angry with myself. So I quit cold turkey. When I re-read my journals of my life with a man I once loved, I decided to leave my husband, which most certainly was the best thing to do for both of us.

I’m not sure what I’m looking in keeping this blog. One might believe that self-analysis is a positive thing to do to develop further as a person. In lieu of searching the acknowledgment from others, one can learn to assess own strengths and weaknesses, finding ways out of puzzles.

I’m alone again and I’m so happy. I’ve just realized that I have not been alone for a very very long time. Maybe never, really. Always in a relationship, always living with somebody, if not family then a housemate, boyfriend, husband. It’s a new feeling that I’m discovering. Waking up in the morning and deciding ‘coffee at home or at San Fran’ without the need to ask him what he wants to do. Why is it appealing ? Why do I find pleasure in being this lonely horse, so happy to roam around on my own? Is it just a temporary thing or will I remain this way forever? I’ve been single for the past 2 months, you see.

We were on Yahoo IM with my friend and I told him how happy I was to be alone again. He replied “people always say that”. I was puzzled. Most people are afraid to be alone. Would they say it as a defense mechanism?

A friend of mine went to India and brought back this book for me “The Art of Joyful Living”. I did not think such of it and put it aside, as my previous experience with such spiritual-cum-feel-good books has been : not being able to get beyond the second page. This one is different though. I flipped it and spotted this line “Get up early in the morning and don’t laze in bed – it cultivates a bad habit and promotes laziness.” OK, so the guy is down the earth” I thought. I flipped it back to the first page and been reading it since.

The author talks about finding happiness in life, on many levels. I will not be summarizing his book here, but I will share some of the things that made me ponder and recall throughout the week. He says that complements and love are a disease. When you first read such statement you instantly think of a sacrifice-seeking monk denying himself the smallest pleasures in life. Then I read on. About complements: if you are confident of who you are and what you stand for there is no reason for external validation, read ‘complements’. What others think of us is irrelevant if one knows himself/herself.

About love: we feel great when we have it and feel at the bottom of the barrel when we don’t. Hmmm. Had an interesting encounter this Friday night which made me think it over. Met this old friend, after not seeing him for years. He was back in town for a few day and we caught up. Towards the end of the night I felt if I pursued it further I won’t sleep alone. We connected rather well, so I thought this won’t be such a bad idea. Since the outing was unplanned we were both very tired, we agreed to text each other on Saturday night after dinner to see how to catch up. I found myself thinking about it more and more towards the afternoon, debating if I should text him or wait. The whole thinking process I suddenly found myself in was rather peculiar and funny. Maybe even unnecessary. This is not love that we are talking about here, but I still define it as part of a game that leads and develops love, affection and perhaps later derails to deceit, anger, bitterness and insanity. That pondering, waiting was no fun, and I can see how it can become a disease.

But what kind of a person must you be to deny yourself love, passion and affection? Have we been made as human beings to live this way? Dear Lord, what have you made of us? Dear Lord, I’m alone and so happy.